Soundtrack of My Life
10/10/18
Chapter 1: The Tale of a Middle School Misfit “Voices”- Motionless in White
Middle school is hard. It doesn’t matter your race, economic background or past experiences, middle school is difficult; hormones are rampaging through our veins, emotions become hard to control, friendships begin to come and go leaving backs stabbed and hearts broken. Middle school is when I started to develop depression, up until that point I had only lived with undiagnosed anxiety and a panic disorder.
Adding depression into the mix changed the way I viewed the world. The song “Voices” by Motionless in White describes being a depressed, undiagnosed teen to a tea. The “voices” they describe are the thoughts of not being good enough to have friends, love or any meaningful interactions. The “war” that is described is my attempt to fight off my depression. My depression was a war I was doomed to lose due to the fact I wasn’t receiving treatment at the time so I resorted to bottling my emotions up inside. This lasted to sophomore year of high school when I finally sought help after my friend attempted suicide and I couldn’t handle the bouts of extreme emotion and complete numbness.
Middle school is hard, especially when you have depression. The increased hormones along with thoughts of being unworthy made me attract a lot of toxic people who only brought more negative thoughts into my life. I wish I had received help sooner.
Chapter 2: The High School Experience “Wilson (Expensive Mistakes)” - Fall Out Boy
High school is supposed to be the “time of your life”. For most of my high school career, I got my kicks off of hating on groups of people and labeling them. My senior year I realized, “jocks”, “preps”, “weebs”, they’re all people, and putting them under this label is dehumanizing. We are all people and are going through our own troubles.
Compared to the Fall Out Boy song “Expensive MIstakes”, my expensive mistakes are not money, but precious time wasted trying to fit in with a band of misfits who enjoyed bullying others they perceived to be a threat. There wasn’t a time in high school that I didn’t want to leave. At first, I wanted to leave because of the “annoying jocks who picked on outcasts like us” (it turned out they never picked on us, my friends and I just assumed they did because of how they dressed), but towards the end of senior year, I couldn’t wait to leave my toxic friends. My friends caused me to think its ok and normal to self-loathe and that it was expected to hate others. This combined with my depression was a poisonous combination. The only way out of this web was to see a social worker. Only then did I realize the toxicity of my so-called ‘friends’.
High school, the supposed “best years of my life”, were the most confusing. The line between ‘friend’ and ‘toxic human being’ became completely blurred and I was lost in my own dark side. Getting away from my hometown was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Chapter 3: New Expectations High Hopes - Panic! At The Disco
After high school, I decided I wanted a fresh start in college. Of course, this fresh start wouldn’t be perfect; I can’t erase my past experiences nor can I completely remove my mental illness, however, armed with my new coping mechanisms I marched into Keuka College. At first, I just thought I would be an average student, passing with just B’s, then I thought “why not reach for more”? I became the hard worker I always wanted to be because why not? I no longer have the toxicity of negative people and I only have friends now who want to better themselves and want to see me succeed.
Needless to say, just like in the song “High Hopes” by Panic! At the Disco, I have high hopes for myself. I now believe, even if it may be hard, I can make an impact on this world and though my parents may not always agree on my style, the people I date or certain decisions I make, I know that in the end, they completely have my back and have inspiring words to say just like in the song. Though it can be hard to reach my newfound expectations, the results from the new ways I’ve allowed myself to use my rapid creativity have made me feel like a more confident individual.
My expectations for myself now compared to my middle school years have changed drastically. My expectations for myself in middle school was just to pass, I now believe that I have the ability to succeed. I’ve learned to never settle for mundane and I’m blessed to have such a great support group since I got rid of the toxic people in my life.